, ♥

HAPPY 20 and 1week old to me!!
but I'm not exactly happy... the waiting game is taking a toll on me
just to make things clear, I'M NOT ANGRY
I'm disappointed, maybe tired and frustrated but not angry
nope I'm not angry with people who didn't celebrate with me before or on the actual day
nope I'm not angry with those who sent me late messages
nope I'm also not angry with those forgot about my birthday
n nope I'm not angry with all those people who asked me if i'm angry
i know people are busy, some are not good with dates like me, sometimes send msg also can remember a minute, forget the next

some of u may think "stop being sensitive pingu!! U FUCKING GREEDY IDIOT!!"
or "crybaby cry til ur eyes blind then ORBI GOOD!!"
perhaps "pingu is an ungrateful dunno good MORON"
me too wanna stop this shameful n self-centered negative feeling
i myself want to think optimistically the most
but considering that so many people missed me out make me think "the problem lies with u pingu"
"u must had been the lousiest friend in the whole universe that's y people had forgot about u"

that's the thing... I'm disappointed after hints after hints and direct telling that my birthday is when and what i want, things just didn't go my way
the days go by n now it's 22Th march; exactly 7 days had passed n I'm still waiting for those promises
for all i know my Bd celebration will be held tgt with my farewell celebration (if there's any to start with) when I'll be 20yrs old and 3mths old

that's what really made me bleed inside
it's NOT only 1 group of people in my life that asked me to wait
but rather, a few
and though tml is already clear what i'm meeting them for, i dunno if i shld be happy or sad
*yes!! i'm THAT hard to please*

just like when i get belated msg, my brain ask me to thank them, but my hands lost its motivation and my heart stopped beating for awhile. deep down i thank them, deeper down i'm pretty disappointed i guess

i started to analyse my life til now
had those people i spent so much time with all a facade?
and those happy memories i had with them all fake?
how come i'm feeling so fucking alone n lonely now?
like there's no one in my life all a sudden n this terrifying feeling is overwhelming me
which part of my life is reality??
then the big 20 comes n all a sudden i thought a donkey have more friends than me
it made me.... feel that.... i'd been living in my own fantasy

ok i shld at least write about my fear for next year. u shld be in my shoes n imagine:
1. IT'S UR 21ST BIRTHDAY. 1 of the MOST important day of ur life when u're considered as an adult *n can watch porn*
2. u just finished ur 1st sem of uni n u have no freaking friends considering u joined school in the middle of the acad year
3. the nearest close friend u have is hundreds n thousands of mile away in another state
4. u have FUCKING school the next day
5. u can't fly back n u cant fly people there unless bill gates lend u his private jet for free
6. not a single member of ur family is around
7. you can celebrate ur 21st birthday in spore with loved ones, but ONLY 1-2 months earlier= celebrate 21 when u're 20 yr n 10 mth old? not A LOT la. a year have 12 mths and only 2mths in adv!!
8. U ARE ALL ALONE
what a fantastic 21st birthday it would be huh?? n there's only 1 21st birthday de!! SO MANY!

in s'pore school days, i hate 15Th march for always being a school holiday coz people tend to forget what they cant see
now i hate it for NOT being a school holiday when I'm leaving soon
hate that my parents did not make me at the starting of the yr so that i can come out late
being insomnia n wake up everyday at 4am doesn't help in my mood either ty

i pray that i would not burst out crying tml openly
the last thing i need is to appear like a lunatic when the terrible lonely feeling is devouring me
holy crap... but i need more time to straighten all my fucking feelings